Inside this post ...
Many things can steal your spouse, such as divorce, separation and death.
It is not easy to move on after losing a spouse, yet modern marriages seem rigged for failure.
Many people want out as soon as they get in. Lack of mentorship and preparation makes it hard for people to accommodate each other. Gone are the days couples lived together “because of the children.” As people have realized, life is too short to be unhappy.
It sure takes a strong heart to leave a marriage and start afresh. There is that phase you wish you were going home to someone. That things were different. You need someone to talk to the whole night, play with, and share how your day was with – even if they are not listening… then you hug yourself and reassure yourself that things will be okay. Because nobody else will do it for you.
Different people have different coping mechanisms. Some will drink themselves dead. Others will sleep with whoever crosses their way – and end up sick. Others neglect themselves or work – and lose big time. But others embrace the pain, heal and move on. This article will share tips to help you start afresh.
Don’t beat yourself up
Everybody makes mistakes, and you are no different. Assuming you were responsible for the end of the marriage, so what? You cannot go back and fix things. Everything happens for a reason. If that were your marriage to keep, you would still be together. Did you realize that some relationships are only preparatory grounds for something bigger, no matter how serious they seem?
One of the things you will have to deal with is the feeling of loss. Depending on how long you stayed there, you may feel like you lost a lot of time (and/or money) in the wrong relationship. You may feel like the other person conned you. You may feel cheated by life. All these feelings are valid. Just embrace them, look at the positive things you accomplished because of that relationship, pat yourself on the back and welcome the next phase.
Blaming yourself or another person won’t help. Own it and move on.
Speak to someone
People have many issues going on in their own private lives. They rarely have time to listen to your problems. However, you may find one person who is willing to give you an ear. If you do, count yourself lucky. As long as they allow you to share and speak about your frustrations, whine but do it with a limit. People can feel burdened by your problems, and when it starts eating into their emotional well-being, it is time to put a break and seek professional help.
It might seem like common sense, but if you find someone who listens treat them well. Not many people will be willing to hear you whine all the time. Nobody wants to know about your problems. And people don’t offer help because they have nothing else to do. Or because they have interests. However, avoid sharing with someone you’d wish to date in the future; it may change how they see you or feel about you.
Seek professional help
Many times you will feel broken. Even if it was a bad relationship, you will want to return. You will want it to be perfect. You will rationalize it and tell yourself that your partner will return. Even if they are dead. You will be in denial. But unfortunately, they are gone and not coming back. This is the point you need a professional counselor to walk with you. They will help you cope with the pain.
Stay connected
Social support is important when you are going through a tough period. It doesn’t matter how introverted you are. Interact with people, especially people who can help you heal. It can be a group. Travel, engage in social causes, and stay with friends who motivate you to heal.
Avoid destructive habits
Staying connected will prevent you from engaging in destructive habits. This is the period many people will spend all their savings. Sleep around. Drink themselves dead. And do other things they may come to regret later. Remember, you are not the only one going through this. And there is life after this. You may wish you were dead, but would you give up on life because of just one failure? Why harm yourself because of just one person when the world is full of good people?
Engage in healthy habits such as working out, learning a new hobby, traveling, and taking a class, among others. Do something fun even if it means going to class to learn it.
Don’t rush into another relationship
Hurting people hurt others. You may rush into another relationship and end up hurting someone you will never meet again, one person you should never have hurt. Or confessing love that does not exist.
Hold your horses and take stock. Why did you end up in that situation? How did you contribute to it? What would you do differently? Decide how you wish your ideal relationship to look like and what you are willing to do to achieve that. After you have healed and have a clear mind, you are ready to move on.
Prepare for the new relationship, seek without compromising, and when you are very sure you are ready to move on, go get the person of your dreams. Remember, second marriages have a higher rate of failure. Therefore, you need to be careful with your choices this time. Don’t make the same mistakes you made earlier.
Have you been in a sad breakup? Have you lost a marriage? How did you cope? Share and help someone who is going through a difficult time.
About the Author
